Posts tagged ‘adoption’

February 1st, 2012

Questions/Answers

by Dena

I’ve been planning to write this for a while. Then I saw the link up to an open adoption roundtable discussion. Then, we got bad news.

The roundtable discussion is about how you deal with rude or awkward questions in the adoption world. We are on the adoptive parent side and yes, we hear stupid questions. Normally, I try to answer a vague answer and change the subject. Often we only share our open adoption details with other people involved in adoption because they seem to understand. I’ll just say that the rule of thumb in asking questions is, if it seems the least bit personal, deals with why, who, or was there….then don’t ask it. I don’t ask why your ex left you, who your dad was cheating with, or was there any truth to the fact that you got pregnant in the back seat of a car on prom night.  Those are rude questions and I would hate for you to provoke me into asking them.

I think that people forget that real people are involved in adoption, with the children being the most important. The birth family has feelings as well and that family includes grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins along with the parents. I have never met a birth family who did NOT love and adore the child who was placed for adoption. Never once. They have suffered a loss and they grieve  that loss.

Speaking of loss, we are feeling it now. Boo’s grandfather is dying. We have had an open adoption with him pretty much from the start.  This is the thing that I hate telling people because it opens up so many questions from people. But now he is at the end and it really is painful. The call tonight was the one that says we probably have time for one more visit.

So, the roundtable question…..I wonder how I will handle questions about this. I hope well enough that people see that adoption can be open and hopefully, it benefits those involved.  Hopefully in a way that help Boo deal with this loss.  Hopefully, I won’t have scared anyone away who knows Boo from checking on her and asking how she is handling this, or giving advice.

CategoryUncategorized | CommentNo Comments »

Tags:
November 1st, 2011

National Adoption Month (and our Family Day)

by Dena

It seems much longer than five years, and in some ways like only yesterday, that we brought home our little girl. She was 8 years old and was ready for a forever home.  Our process to bring her home was akin to riding a roller coaster while being shot at with a machine gun.

But, we finally got off that roller coaster and jumped on another. Being parents to Boo has been full speed ahead. She has done gymnastics, dance, twirling, basketball, softball, volleyball, and band. (not all at the same time) She is in the National Honor Society and in two advanced classes. And she’s kinda cute.

I posted on facebook today the quote from Robert Frost, “ Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”  Life with Boo certainly forced us down a different road in life. It was less traveled as not many people I know have adopted an older child from foster care. Now, I know several and am meeting more each year.

We often say that we make our bucket list as we go. We never dreamed that we would be on live TV with our dog, but there we were. Who else has that on their bucket list?  It was awesome. We have driven her in parades as a reinging beauty queen. Had a sell out crowd at her book signing. BUCKET LIST!!

It hasn’t all been perfect, don’t get me wrong. Somehow, I am raising a small version of my mother. While mother is wonderful, she is headstrong and leaves a path of destruction behind her in anything that she does. Candy wrappers are everywhere, as are socks, combs, and a can of exploding hair spray.

So now, I find myself running behind her with an armload of tights, batons, and a camera. I try to find time to volunteer with our foster care system in our county. I listen to those in the process of adopting. And I think of how blessed we are, expecially each November 1.

Halloween 012

You can read other adoption stories at the blog hop here at Foster2Forever.


You can link your stories here if you like and join the blog hop for the month.

CategoryBlazing Hot off the Presses. | Comment2 Comments »

Tags:
October 7th, 2011

Great Minds

by Dena

Yesterday I was blessed to hear Temple Grandin and Alex Plank speak. Both are on the autism spectrum and have never let that hold them back. Dr. Temple Grandin has revolutionized the beef industry, written books and professional literature, and is a professor. She has designed all kinds of things for the beef farmers and has captivated anyone with an interest in autism. Yesterday parents, teachers, and other people with autism listened to her speak.

She was fast and furious with her wisdom. She jumped right in and told everything she knows to be true and never slowed down. Have you ever realized you are in the presence of greatness? It sounds trite but it was certainly true.

Photo credit: K. Stine

Photo credit: K. Stine

I think that her most profound statement was in our expectations of our kids. She was speaking of children with autism but I think it applies to all kids. We don’t expect enough. We have kids going out into the world who have never had any responsibility, have no manners, and have had excuses made for them their whole lives.  Oh, I could go on and on, but the bottom line is to have high expectations of your kids. All of them.

The other great mind on my mind is Steve Jobs. I’ve always admired his genius and see that many others feel the same. One thing I am seeing pop up constantly is that he was adopted. I wish that the media didn’t explore this in his death, but in his life.  I am sure it will be written about in a way to create drama for the media but I wish they would take this opportunity to show the world that a child who is adopted isn’t loved less than any other.

In fact, about twice as much. Birthparents never stop loving their child. Adoptive parents love like they gave birth to that child. I don’t see why people feel the need to dig into his life now. I almost see it as the media thinking they have found his Achilles heel. Maybe this is what I notice because I have adopted and know the questions that come. We don’t ask people why their parents divorced, what their salary is, or “Hey, have you had that mole checked?”. (some nosy people do but they have NO MANNERS and I try to scurry away when I see them coming)

I wish Joy were awake to proof this, but I’ll just leave saying we need to reflect on our own greatness. We all have it and are sometimes in such a rush to follow famous people that we lose sight of what we know to be right, to be genius.   Yes, look for examples but don’t rely on others for everything.

So… stop making excuses, take responsibility, and do something.  (with manners, of course)

CategoryBlazing Hot off the Presses. | Comment1 Comment »

Tags:
April 25th, 2011

Success Stories

by Dena

Since April is child abuse prevention and awareness month, I have been reading blogs that are participating. One of these blogs is linking stories of success of foster/former foster children. I have hesitated in writing this, for many reasons, but I feel that I have to put it out there. Mainly because I meet people who think that kids in foster care don’t have a chance at success in life.

My daughter was in foster care. Most days she wants to forget that and live life as if she has always been with us. She doesn’t want to wear that label of being “different”.  At the tender of age of 12, I feel as if she has seen more success that many adults.

When she was only 10 years old she wrote and submitted a story to Chicken Soup for the Soul. It was a story about her dog and how bringing into our family made her feel more secure as our daughter. Her story was published, which led to book signing that sold out in 30 minutes, live interviews on the local news, and reading her story at a local Adoption Day event.

Boo

She is a straight A student, a majorette, in the National Junior Honor Society, and on the A string in basketball and volleyball.

Boo

She recently won a few local pageants and I heard someone say, “Everything comes easy for her.” I’m glad they think that in a way, but then again, people miss how hard she works to find success. She sought out a pageant coach, found her own dress, practiced for the interview, learned how to walk and talk and sit and smile. While I was against it all at first, I had to admire the way she studied what it would take to win, and then did it. It didn’t fall in her lap. She earned it and she did with hard work and determination.

Boo

She is one who doesn’t give up. She loves life and truly has a great heart. She has volunteered as often as she can at our local animal shelter. Her goal is to someday become a vet.  Of course, she is taking animal pictures as she goes.   Her pictures are amazing. (she gets her eye from me!)

animals 017

I believe she can be a vet. She can do anything she wants. Even if she never sees another “win” in her life, she is a success. To some people, she is the kid who is lucky and good at everything. To me (and a few others) she is nothing short of a miracle.

Foster kids, adopted kids, premature kids, gifted kids…..any kids….they all have the potential to become a success.

CategoryUncategorized | Comment3 Comments »

Tags:
February 12th, 2010

Born In My Heart—a Valentine for my Daughter

by Dena

Imagine if we knew when a life changing event was about to be set in motion.  How would we react when one of those simple things that sets the proverbial snowball rolling in our lives?  I hope I would react better than I did a few years ago.  I had no idea that this woman’s simple request would not only tug at our hearts, it would add to our family.

It was one summer day that I got a call from one of my fellow church members, Bobbie,  asking us to stop on our way and pick up kids for our Vacation Bible School who lived close by us.  Her van was full to the brim with children and there were a few more kids wanting to come.  I agreed to pick them up.  How hard could it  be? As usual, I had waited til the last minute to get ready to go and we had to rush to stop by.  Since I teach at an elementary school I knew the kids.  One little girl in particular stood out.  It was a little girl of about 6 with dark hair and eyes.  She was smiling and sweet and very talkative.

I knew her story, that she had been in foster care for several years now, and that she would probably end up for adoption at some point.  Before the night was over, she leaned forward from the back seat and asked, “Have you ever considered adoption?  I’m sure you would make great parents”  My husband was speechless, as was I, and let me tell you, me being speechless is a rare occurrence.

Because our story is long, the cliff notes version is this:

We didn’t act then, but less than a year later we stopped planning our empty nest began the process to adopt that little girl.  Nine months into we were told it was too late and she had been placed. I knew that my husband had his heart set on having a daughter, already having three boys, and that surely there would be one for us.  He was staunch in his refusal to even discuss any child but her, which  was infuriating at the time.

Almost a week after our devastating news, we were called that we could adopt that little dark haired girl.

We have come a long way from that first car ride.


Our church, our family, and our community rallied around us and helped us as we wrote a new chapter for our family. It seems like forever ago and had I known then when were asked to pick up a child, it would be forever.  I will never forget Bobbie and the way she helped us find our daughter, and our daughter find us.

I used think the line from the poem about adoption that says ‘you were born in my heart’ was a little much. Then we adopted and I now see these years later that it it is true.  Our daughter was born in our hearts that very day.  I hope Bobbie always knows what a special place she has in my heart. (along with someone else)


CategoryUncategorized | Comment5 Comments »

Tags: