Posts tagged ‘adoption’

January 29th, 2013

Adoption Roundtable

by Dena

The prompt at the Open Adoption Roundtable this week is:


Think about a time when your child has been injured or sick (or for adoptees, when you have been injured or sick). Did adoption change or complicate that experience at all? Did you share it with others in your adoption constellation?  You might write about an actual experience you have had or think about what you ideally would want to have happen.


We have an older child foster adopt situation, and I have tried to keep contact and openness. My grandfather was adopted and we had a blank slate on his side as far as medical history goes. I also knew the desire that my mom has just to know. I’ve heard her tell over and over that she has no medical history for her paternal side while dealing with serious medical issues. I wanted to have more for our little Boo.

Fast forward a few years into our adoption . I was standing in the operating room holding area as the surgeon and his nurse asked me questions. I heard things like I was in a fuzzy trance. “family allergies to anesthesia, any previous surgeries, any medications…” . I had trouble answering how old she was. I was in shock but I will never forget not being able to answer some of those simple question. She needed her appendix removed and I had no answers to anything.

The worst part? It was all my fault. I had access to anything I needed. I kept putting it off.  I was busy trading pictures and stories and visits. I also didn’t want to start our relationship with a bunch of personal questions. (EXCUSES!!) I would do that boring medical stuff another day. I never did, until she was out of surgery and I was hot on the phone, asking questions and answering them as well.

Her surgery was fine and it prompted me to gather as much as I could for her. I learned that medical history is not concrete, it is ever changing.  We are able to trade information as it comes about. (and still trade pictures)

I am thankful that we can communicate and share information, about a variety of things. Mostly, I know I have access to the majority of her family medical history. To this day, my mother would still like to have hers.

Think about a time when your child has been injured or sick (or for adoptees, when you have been injured or sick). Did adoption change or complicate that experience at all? Did you share it with others in your adoption constellation?  You might write about an actual experience you have had or think about what you ideally would want to have happen.

We have an older child foster adopt situation, and I have tried to keep contact and openness. My grandfather was adopted and we had a blank slate on his side as far as medical history goes. I also knew the desire that my mom has just to know. I’ve heard her tell over and over that she has no medical history for her paternal side while dealing with serious medical issues. I wanted to have more for our little Boo.


Fast forward a few years into our adoption . I was standing in the operating room holding area as the surgeon and his nurse asked me questions. I heard things like I was in a fuzzy trance. “family allergies to anesthesia, any previous surgeries, any medications…” . I had trouble answering how old she was. I was in shock but I will never forget not being able to answer some of those simple question. She needed her appendix removed and I had no answers to anything.

The worst part? It was all my fault. I had access to anything I needed. I kept putting it off.  I was busy trading pictures and stories and visits. I also didn’t want to start our relationship with a bunch of personal questions. (EXCUSES!!) I would do that boring medical stuff another day. I never did, until she was out of surgery and I was hot on the phone, asking questions and answering them as well.

Her surgery was fine and it prompted me to gather as much as I could for her. I learned that medical history is not concrete, it is ever changing.  We are able to trade information as it comes about. (and still trade pictures)

I am thankful that we can communicate and share information, about a variety of things. Mostly, I know I have access to the majority of her family medical history. To this day, my mother would still like to have hers.

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November 12th, 2012

Lessons in Foster/Adoption (3)

by Dena

My grandfather’s adoption was painfully closed. As long as I can remember my mother has craved any information she could find about his first family. There is very little and what has been there has been sketchy.

Today, open adoption is evolving and takes many forms. We were given no information about our daughter’s first family and told it had to be closed. That was the policy then and all information was redacted in the paperwork we were given.

In my mind, I knew that we would someday connect. I knew that there was a grandpa who never missed a visit, had a heart attack when the children had the final visit, and wanted desperately to have contact. He was not a danger but not capable of parenting.

We did end up connecting, working on a plan for visits and communication, and eventually forming a nice relationship. As time went on it was my daughter who decided whether to visit or not.  I believe that opening our adoption helped her trust us as we went along.

I also had a few other perks. I got a medical history that I would have never had if not for that. After being drilled with questions as she was being prepped for an emergency surgery, I was reminded of the importance and vowed to keep it updated. I also got baby pictures. He and I often traded pictures and I treasure mine that I would otherwise never have even seen.

What did my daughter get? Her roots back. It settled her. She was given a few childhood toys and some things she remembered. She heard old stories again. She got to say goodbye before he passed away last year.

Since then we have also had some visits with her brother, sister and birthmom. Again, my daughter sets the timeline for this. She know that if she has a question, it can be answered right then. I read today on a blog that sometimes these children just need to know that their firstmoms are OK. That has been a relief for her to know as well.

Again, I have access to family history that even grandpa didn’t have. I have medical history, which changes and evolves. I share pictures, as does she. I have come to see her as a person who didn’t have the foundation that many people have.

Family connections in foster/adoptions were brought to my attention recently when a friend was able to reconnect to her teen nephew. Her sister’s children were placed in foster care and adopted several years ago. My friend has missed them and wondered about them ever since. He’s almost grown now and recently contacted her, resulting in a wonderful weekend visit.

I know that if my mother was eager to connect to family she had never met,  it has to be so much more so for a child who has not only known but loved the family.

Open adoptions may not be for everyone who adopt from foster care. I would never recommend it for cases of sexual abuse, severe physical or emotional abuse, or any time the child was unwilling.  In any case where you are protecting your child, you might try to save all of the information that you can. Even if your child doesn’t ask, their children might want to know. My mother did and still does.

Boo

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November 8th, 2012

Lessons from Foster Adoption (2)

by Dena

I’ve learned many things about adoption from foster care in the last 8 or so years. The main keyword in adoption lingo is attachment. I wish I had heard it many years before.

While the process of adoption is hard, attachment building is exhausting. I’m not talking about the crazy being tied down illegal kind. Just being within reach each minute (minus about 90) for the first year. Always within a close proximity. Me making most of the choices. Little TV or video. Not only do you learn a lot about your child, you learn about yourself and your spouse.

We did lots of attachment and bonding activities the first year. We were tight knit and made her world small and secure. I think we have a great bond and one that was very difficult to achieve. It’s one of things that you don’t see from the outside.

I am able to recognize things in children in my job, in friend’s families, or in conversations that direct towards a break in natural attachment. There are many situations other than adoptions that cause this but adoption is one that we know we have to work on it.  Now even my husband can spot situations where a baby or child lack an attachment.

It does go both ways, building attachment.  People need to recognize the importance of attachment with your children no matter how you build your family.  It takes effort, especially if you are adopting. I see parents who don’t realize that it takes effort for every child. In today’s world we are always running somewhere, with the radio or dvd on in the car, or playing a video game, or on the phone, or the kids are at ______________. No matter what is going on, make time to be close to your child.

I will say that for us, the key to bonding was finding laughter. Somehow we have the same sick sense of humor.  Once we began to laugh together we began to bond.

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November 6th, 2012

Politics and Adoption in Foster Care

by Dena

Sometimes you might see events where there are poster prints of children in care who are waiting for adoption. You might have a waiting child segment on TV. Those are great and do raise awareness. The truth is that the state of foster care in America, specifically in Texas, is going downhill faster than my Dad’s of Ford pickup with no brakes.  (that was pretty fast) If you saw one of these and felt your heart tug to call….you will be waiting for a good while.

Texas has made massive cuts to the foster care dept.  Teachers and social workers just don’t make the cut in Texas. Job have been redefined, positions eliminated, people juggling a larger caseload or classroom all for the same pay. We will continue  to keep on as best we can because we are doing what we love.

Texas has also outsourced much of the foster care contracts to private companies.  The initial reports that I read from this in 2010 were not good. There are foster care advocates who see the holes in the system. Unfortunately, they don’t have enough money to wave in the faces of those who make these decisions.

I predict that the combination of fewer social workers with a system that is not connected to the social workers will result in children lingering in the adoption unit. Once a child enters the adoption unit, they lose their CASA worker (in Texas). Who is really there to watch out for them? Only the overworked case worker.

The adoption tax credit is in danger. If you used insurance to have your baby, you need to make sure that your representatives keep this. Adoptions are expensive and most of it is paper pushing.  An example: When our adoption was finalized, the attorney for our daughter was a no show.  Would it be rescheduled? We could or we could pay some attorney we had never met $500 to sign a paper. He was hired as her attorney on the spot. It sounds shady but her attorney she had for almost 5 years had never laid eyes on her either and was 3 hours away. Our tax credit was used for that kind of expense and I thank God for it.

I have already witnessed a gap in the system of foster care contracts. I see other gaps and they are all about MONEY.  The young victims can’t complain nor do they have money.

If more of the people  who have the ability to volunteer would become involved in this area, children in foster care and who are available for adoption would be in a much better position. Become a CASA worker. Join your local Child Welfare Organization. Volunteer at the CPS office.  You won’t regret it.

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November 5th, 2012

lessons from foster adoption (1)

by Dena

For open adoption month I am posting thoughts and stories about foster adoption.  Today’s thought is one of the first that I had on the ride home on that very first day.

‘Wow. I had no idea that so much loss is involved in adoption.”

I should have already known that. My grandfather was adopted, during a time that Native Americans were an inferior race. He and his sister were taken from a reservation and they were to be placed with a nice childless couple in Arkansas. He was 3 and his sister 5 when they rode the train to Little Rock, Ar. Somewhere along the way, someone decided that they wanted the little girl and took her. He didn’t see his sister, Joy, for over 50 years.

He did name my mother for her, and my mother named my sister for her and we gave our daughter the same middle name when her adoption was finalized.  She was important to him even though they didn’t have contact for many years.

I should have known this, and I think I did know the loss involved in adoption. The sheer magnitude washed over me that day in the car. She lost siblings, parents, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and more. Yes, we were waiting with another set. They lost her and she lost them.

Each adoption is different and each person involved is different. We have kept contact with some of the siblings and other family members. I have priceless pictures from visits.

There are reasons that children go into care and are placed for adoption. There are connections though to their past and losses that adoptive parents need to be aware of and deal with. Certainly not all families can have contact. I leave it to Boo now that she is older.

For whatever they have lost, these kids who are available for adoption do need a family.

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November 3rd, 2012

November:National Adoption Month

by Dena

What does it mean to dedicate a month to a cause? We associate colors, motto’s, and often life changing or life saving fundraisers are held. What can a month for adoption do?

First, I will say my opinion that this month is NOT to encourage women to place their babies for adoption. The importance of this month is to raise awareness and provide assistance to the waiting children in our country who do not have a family to call their own.

Second, adoption is not for everyone. Just because you see a commercial,poster or hear a message about adoption does not mean that you are cut out to do it.  It is hard and if you are doing it as a philanthropic venture rather than building your family, you should stay home. When you adopt you are changing the dynamics of your family just as you do when you have a baby. In fact, it is so much more difficult because you have to make up for lost time.

Please, don’t think I am trying to talk anyone out of this. I do have some pet peeves about adoption and people who are flippant about it don’t need to think about it. It is serious business.

People need to realize that even if you are not called to adopt, you can help. You can volunteer with local agencies who work with the kids who will age out of care and never have a family. You can work with the agencies who make the videos, posters and public service announcements. There are groups who are looking for volunteers all the time. I’m going to list some links below.

Sometimes I am very tempted to ignore the month of November and all that it brings. I can’t do that though. I know there are so many more children who need a home and there are families who can and will provide. Sometimes the red tape to get there is overwhelming, but it does eventually all come together.

http://www.adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children

Dave Thomas foundation

Faith Based activities

heart galleries of texas.

my daughter’s story.

I always hesitate to include my daughter because I don’t want people to continue to view her as needy, an orphan, or anything that might draw attention to her in a negative light. She does want to continue to work with me to help the children who are in foster care, in need of a home, or about to age out.

So this month is about awareness.  The children are here all year long. Learn what you can and do what you can to help.

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